Ruarí

Hyper visible, yet rarely seen


20th June 2020


I worry I'll never get the chance to find my bio family, to figure out how much was truth and how much was convenient lies.


This pandemic has pulled in to sharp focus how isolated I've been for years, not because life is suddenly drastically different for me and my little family than it was this time last year, but because how little the lockdown has actually changed my day to day life, sure there's a few differences in how we get our food but honestly not much has changed, you see I've not had friends or community local to me in near a decade.


Even before all this I pretty much only leave the house for drs appointments once every 3-4 months not that I don't want to mind, god do I want to be able to go to the park or enjoy the sunshine.. It's that it's not safe for me for a number of reasons.


I'm trans and I'm visibly disabled, add to that being fat, weird and tall and you've got a hell of a target for all the usual bigots. Then if any of them found out I'm also mentally ill, queer and a Traveller well I'd be fucked honestly and the possibility of it happening scares me shitless.


It feels like a lot of the time almost every part of me is not wanted in this society, is pretty much actively despised in this society. Especially the town I live in, been settled here my entire life, and by settled I mean stuck in this dead end shithole.


I dunno, I just feel I'll never get out of here most days.


Right before all of this hit I had made the decision to try and get out, I was headed to a part of the country closer to several online friends. But then this happened, and how the fuck am i, an immunocompromised person meant to move a family of 3+ all our things and a cat half a country away during all this?


And why the fuck won't anyone take lockdown seriously? why is our government so fucking stupid?


I can't die in this town, I cannot.


It scares me so much that I might.