15th June 2020 (Monday)
FUCK YOUR 5K
I’m hungover, weather is shit, and I’m feeling especially cynical today so get ready for a rant.
I feel so sluggish in my body lately, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re suddenly unemployed and not dancing multiple stage sets a night or grinding on a strangers lap until 5am. Even though I have a pole in my home, and a seemingly infinite amount of hours in the day, I just haven’t been able to work up the motivation to train. I think it’s made worse by seeing the constant stream of posts on social media about how productive everyone says they’re being during this time, or how they’ve taken up running and cycling. I know they’re trying to make themselves feel good and encourage others to do the same, but I really just don’t care – fuck your 5k. I don’t want to know how fantastic their day’s been, I just want to be allowed to relax guilt-free and be as unproductive as I want, without having the accomplishments of others shoved down my throat with every Instagram story.
I feel similarly about couples gushing about their relationships online at the moment. I get it, you’re happy to be together 24/7. Of course I’m aware that this isn’t true for everyone and some people will be hating it but in my particular social circles it seems like everyone is super loved up. Personally, I love my own space so I’m pretty glad I’m single for this period of time and think I’d go crazy having someone around all the time. I’ll admit though that it does get pretty lonely and lately I’ve been feeling more and more like I’m ready for a partner, and it seems like everyone is getting into new relationships and making sure the world knows about it. It’s also pretty tough living in a house of couples and being the only single one around, as much as they make an effort to include me in things it kind of makes the loneliness hit extra hard when they’re off having ‘date days’ or whatever. I wish I could go out and see my friends, party, or even see a client to fill that time when I’m surrounded by people, but am completely on my own.
All this is somehow made worse when I know that some of these people who seem to be having a great time during lockdown are either still able to work or are receiving furlough payments. I know I’m complaining a lot about everything and I’m obviously glad that not everyone’s finances are being too hard-hit, but it makes the truth that I’m unable to receive any kind of financial help from the government even more harsh. There are no workplace protections or rights in place for dancers and other sex workers like me.
Thankfully our community of hot babes is extremely resourceful, and we’ve been helping each other find new ways to make money for the time being. This week I’m dancing and cake sitting for Cybertease, the online strip event founded by some of the stripper union girls. I’m really looking forward to it because it’s a great group of workers and I love twerking and licking icing off my tits. Online sex work is strange territory for me, even though I’ve dipped my toes into most areas of the industry over the years it’s just something that never really appealed to me as I don’t have the patience to wait for a chat room to get busy. I tried it once and fell asleep on my bed waiting. I really miss being able to work in real life, as I don’t think being an e-hoe suits me. I quite like shooting content for my OnlyFans, as I get to dress up and fuck super hot guys and girls and make money from it! In that sense it really is the dream. I just don’t love having to keep up with constant fan interaction, there’s never a break.
As much as I worry about money being tight, I’m so grateful to have received a grant from our Strippers Collective; amongst all this bullshit the support of my sex worker sisters keeps me going and gives me some hope in thinking that if I can somehow make things work during a fucking global pandemic, surely I can get through anything.
17th June 2020
12pm – Seeing my high school friends was lovely, despite the weather. I haven’t properly hung out with them in about 5 years since summer in sixth form. It’s funny how sitting in a park drinking seems to catapult you back in time to being 18 again. When the world seems to be going crazy and everyday life is unrecognizable, in that moment, everything was familiar and it really felt like nothing had changed.
4.15 pm – I’ve just finished my therapy session on Zoom for the week. I’m so glad I’m able to get therapy at a time like this - it really is invaluable. I really miss my family. I’ve always felt slightly disconnected to them in a way because of the nature of my work and the fact that they don’t really know and wouldn’t understand what I get up to, and I hate that. But some battles are not worth fighting, so when I see them I smile and tell them I’m fine without going into too much detail about my life. I’m beginning to make some progress in seeing how they view the world though even though it’s wildly opposite to me, and with this period of isolation I am missing them more than ever but I think I’m finally building the confidence to one day be honest with them. It would be such a huge weight lifted, but it's a weight I’m not ready to lift any time soon.
18th June 2020 (Thursday)
I spent 8 hours with a client today, which was surprisingly ok considering I normally really struggle to stay sane during longer bookings with this guy – I even managed to spend an hour just napping while he did some conference calls. It’s funny to imagine the reactions of his colleagues if he were to accidentally turn his camera on. I’m so glad I have this regular at the moment, he’s pretty much funding my whole life right now and I’m actually starting to not mind his company too much but I don’t want to speak too soon. I’m still feeling a bit funny about meeting him or other clients at the moment because it’s not really clear from the government if it’s actually legal or not… like yes you have to work but that means meeting people from another household etc. etc. so I’m worried about getting caught and fined, not to mention the judging looks from hotel staff.
I’m worried that because a lot of sex workers are in very precarious positions right now that clients are starting to take the piss with jobs, trying to haggle us because they know we need the money and are vulnerable right now. I just got a message from one of the stripper agencies about some shady job involving getting into a car with a guy for 2 hours and being filmed dancing topless – for a whole £100! What the fuck is going on???
19th June 2020 (Friday)
11.30pm – Oh my godddddd I’m having the best evening shooting some Onlyfans content with 2 of my friends who are also performers. A threesome with 2 of the biggest and most well hung guys I know is a fucking dream anyway so it’s kind of a hilarious bonus that I get to make money out of it as well. I feel like a pink fluffy cloud, fucked into another dimension and happily playing around, high on dick. I wonder if that new law about not meeting other people outside your home for sex would apply to this situation or not seeing as technically it is work and obviously essential exercise.
I can’t wait to sell some of these videos, I think the subscribers are gonna love it and it’s a welcome change from the months of solo-only content I’ve had to stick to recently. I’ve been gradually posting more explicit or hardcore material on my main wall instead of keeping to pay per view private messages. Naturally, a couple of concerned friends have been asking things like ‘are you sure you want to have footage of you getting pounded DP by two guys right out there online?’ in case it gets leaked or someone from my hometown comes across it. Truth is, I don’t really care. As long as the content looks good and I’m enjoying making it and it shows, then why not. I did one art porn film a few years ago and since then I’ve always wanted to try porn professionally. As annoying as lockdown is, it’s at least pushed me to branch out into other areas of the industry, and given me the opportunity to try making my own content at home before trying out the commercial stuff.
20th June 2020 (Saturday)
11.45pm – Today has been a good a day. I spent the afternoon working on my business plan, and for the first time the thought of numbers and large sums of money for investments seems less terrifying and more exciting. It feels good to finally get the ball rolling on this and I’m looking forward to building something I’m passionate about, and ultimately exiting sex work. It’s also amazing to feel productive again as I have spent a lot of time recently mooching around not doing much, and it was making me really depressed. I’m not gonna be too hard on myself for the last few weeks though seeing as we are in a pandemic but generally the busier I am, the happier I feel. I guess for now while I can’t work I’m going to do as much research as I can, so that when work returns I can really start putting money into making this become a reality.
I ended today in such a fabulously decadent way; a cheese and truffle fondue night at my friends place, a porn star who I’ve missed so much during lockdown. We drank expensive wine and gossiped while he let me try out both his gorgeous Birkin bags. It was stunning xxx
21st June 2020 (Sunday)
Me and my girlfriend spent most of the afternoon watching Absolutely Fabulous and playing with her new baby bunny who is the cutest little fluff nugget ever. Me and her are so similar in so many ways –dress sense, jokes, eating pussy – everything. We often get super long claw-like matching nails too, which isn’t very lesbian of us but we make it work. We like to think we’re somewhat like Patsy and Eddie and that they are like our future selves when we’re old. That is, slightly over the top, champagne guzzling, non-stop shopping and overall pretty fabulous darling. We just need to make the money first and then we will be living deliciously.
I feel like I’ve been super busy the last few days either seeing friends or working on various projects so this evening I turned my phone off and just chilled out with a spliff. It does me a world of good to get off my phone and disconnect from the world of social media. There’s been a lot going on recently, and for very good reasons, but the stress of it all really builds up in your head and perhaps you don’t even realise until you just log off for a bit. So, for now I’m gonna enjoy the quiet before a new week of fun, work and intensity begins.