Day -2: Stay Strong (21 March 2020)
Just wanted to tell you to be strong. These next few weeks/ months will be extremely challenging, but you will make it. Everything will be fine. If you become isolated, it’s important you stay connected.
After this is all over; we will all be stronger than ever! We must stay strong and be the best version of ourselves possible. Friendships will strengthen.
As Hannah Montana once said, ‘life’s a climb, but the view is great’.
Day -1: The Meaning of Life (22 March 2020)
The last few days have been extremely difficult for everyone. COVID-19. Everyone has been told to distance themselves socially. Pubs have closed. Shops have reduced opening times. People are panic buying essentials. There’s no sanitiser gel or toilet paper in any of the shops. The same goes for a lot of food items.
I know a lot of people have lost their jobs as well. I’m not sure if I’ll be losing my job yet or not. I am just temporary staff; I don’t think anyone knows what will happen to us yet. The last few days I’ve felt even more secluded than previously.
Last Thursday I drove to clear my head. Thinking what the meaning of life could be. Trying hard to find meaning in my own existence. Friday at work was pretty awful. We didn’t have much to do. There was 5 of us doing a job that could have been done by just 1 person. It took us about 15-20 minutes. Therefore, we basically had a big break all day. Quite worrying that due to this virus we won’t be able to do our job. That is why I’m afraid I may lose it.
Saturday my sister and nephew came to visit. He wasn’t happy when I was holding him and he cried a lot. I wonder if he’s able to sense how anxious I am. I know my brother-in-law can tell. But I don’t want to talk about my feelings. At night I visited Steven when he finished work at 10pm. I left around 1am. When I got home I had a beer.
Today, Sunday, I met up with Erin and we went to the park. We sat near a pond. Had a chat about the current situation. I think we’re both pretty anxious. We both posted photos to social media; I’m a little gutted that Ben liked her photo and didn’t like mine. I don’t think he likes me. That makes me feel a little sad.
I really really like Ben. Not just because I feel desperate. But because whenever I’m with him at work I just feel content. Life becomes a little more bearable. We have similar social anxiety levels, but when I’m with him all my anxieties seem to dissipate. I hope we get to work together tomorrow. I hope we can hang outside of work again too - but with just the two of us. Although with social distancing now become a government recommendation, that seems highly unlikely.
I’d also like to add. Last week I fell asleep in the backseat of the work van next to Ben. He was playing his music and I thought I had imagined a song. But the song I had imagined was so sweet. I dozed off next to him just wishing I had fallen onto his shoulder. I told him I liked the song and he played it. I can’t remember the name and it wasn’t quite what I remembered. But I may need to ask him to play ‘our song’ again.
I just wish I had a friend. Someone to share my little life with. I feel like I have so much to offer someone. Why can’t I find happiness. I know exactly what I want but how can I get it. I want someone I can play video games with, watch crap movies and anime, chill out with on the bed. Someone to explore the world with both locally and globally. Someone to share my life with; enhancing both our lives.
I’ve been thinking lately of making myself a list of places I’d like to go and the things I want to do with someone. Things that I do with my friends. But with someone more significant. Someone that will always have my back no matter how tough things get. Or even just to do what I’m doing now, sitting in my car at 8:30pm.
I don’t think I’ll be able to survive if I became fully isolated. My mental state will probably worsen. I need to have human interaction. I need to speak and have conversations. I need normality!
What makes me feel more anxious is the unknown. I don’t know what the next few days/weeks/months will bring. The world isn’t looking a very nice place at the moment. I know that things will get a lot worse in Scotland before they get better. I just hope I don’t lose any of my friends or family due to the virus. There’s already been a few deaths in my country.
But. I will try my best to continue to write as much as I can in here over the following months. If anything was to happen to me, I would like if someone read my diary with respect. I know I’m not Anne Frank and my situation is nowhere near what she had to go through. I still haven’t plucked up the courage to read her diary. I bought it from her house/museum when I visited a while back.
Until next time.
Day 0: Lockdown (23 March 2020)
Just over 2 hours ago it was announced that my country will go into lockdown. We had an idea that this may happen as other countries have done similar things to combat the coronavirus (COVID-19). Basically, you cannot leave the house unless absolutely necessary. You can only leave in order to go to the supermarket for essentials (all other places have been closed), work (but only if your work cannot be done from home), or exercise outdoors (such as running) for an hour and close to home - although you can only do this with people that live within the same household and are not able to meet up with people from other households.
I must admit that this worries me greatly. I already feel so isolated and alone. This lockdown can be enforced by the police and you can be fined for not abiding by it. I understand fully why they are doing this. We cannot let the virus spread. They will reevaluate the situation in 3 weeks time. Monday 13th April. 21 days of lockdown. I don't know what this is going to do to my mental state: but I think I should force myself to write as much as possible. I hope that the future Callum would appreciate that.
In my work group chat, we have been told not to go into work tomorrow and we will be paid. But that is guaranteed just for the one day. I'm not sure what they will do after as we are all on temporary contracts and unable to work from home. I'm unsure if our job is classed as absolutely necessary. But I’m sure there could be work for me to do by supporting those that are working from home. One of my managers asked if any of us would be able to go into work - but rules apply such as only 2 people within the same room with a clear distance between us.
This morning at work didn't feel great as we were told off by another manager for standing too close together. Some of us were sent into another room. Again, I understand why they are taking extreme measures, it just felt a little degrading. I will be writing about more of what happens in my next few posts. Future Callum will appreciate the recording of feelings.
Over the next few days I must do things that will keep me occupied. Video games. Anime. Cleaning my bedroom. Maybe start a new hobby of sorts or pick up something I haven't done in a while. It's entirely up to me how I spend these next 3 weeks. I could either mope around in misery or do something constructive. I just hope that I have the mental energy to do so. It's important more than ever to look after myself.
Day 1: Isolation (24 March 2020)
Today has been day 1 of isolation. I feel trapped and unsure of how I’ll be able to cope in the coming weeks. 21 days until the prime minster of my country either lifts the staying indoors policies or makes them stricter. There’s a high chance the laws may get stricter.
I was hoping I would get made to come into work today. I wanted to get out the house. But no, my manager told us in the group chat that he’ll see us all in a few weeks. I was gutted.
I haven’t properly spoken to my parents today. I sat with them for lunch, but I wasn’t hungry. I’m too depressed to eat. Currently on my second glass of vodka and lemonade (rhubarb flavour vodka that I got as a Christmas gift). I wish I could share my alcohol with someone (preferably Ben…). I never really like drinking alone. But I feel I need to so I can cope a little better.
This has only been the first day of lockdown. As promised I wrote something. Tomorrow my parents are going to the supermarket after my dads doctors appointment. I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow; if anything. I hope Ben sends me a text. Or just anyone for that matter. I’m tired of constantly reaching out to find emptiness. I feel as if I have very little friends.
Day 2: Breakdown (25 March 2020)
Today was just as bad as yesterday was. I just want to speak with someone. Then, I burst into a massive rant to Erin about how much I can’t cope. How much I hate my life currently. I also told her that I didn’t feel like living anymore. I don’t know how I expected her to react. But I had to get it out. I was crying. I hate this situation so much. Everything came out as verbal diarrhoea. Not everything that was on my mind. Just what I was feeling at that moment. She told me I should speak to someone if I was feeling that way… But I can’t. I feel like my life is like a can of worms - if I even attempt to open it, everything will come out and things will get extremely messy. Once the worms are out the can, there’s no way I can put them all back in. Once I open up - It’ll be hard to close again.
She then told me that she was going for a walk tomorrow. That she had been for a few walks today and yesterday. I’m considering going out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe bump into her somewhere (keeping our social distance at 2 metres). I would really like that.
Times like these I wish I was partnered with someone, living with them, living a happy life. Or at least a life that was content. I may just live in my fantasy life for the next 19 days, until lockdown rules are reviewed - although they may just get tighter!
Around 7pm I went to the supermarket I used to work at. It was quiet by the time I went there - but had been told it had been pretty crazy throughout the day. You have to queue to get in as only so many people are allowed in at any one time. I met with 2 of my ex colleagues that I got on with well. They were going for a cigarette and asked me to join. We had a conversation that lasted around 10 minutes. But it felt so good. I know its only been a few days but I can’t stress how good it felt just to be talking to people. Also, to be at the smoking shelter where I spent most of my breaks when I worked there.
I left my job at the supermarket at the start of the year when I got the new job I am in now. My last shift was just over 2 months ago and yet I feel as if I left that place years ago. It felt as if I hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in a long time.
I managed to buy energy juice, cheap frozen chicken nuggets and some beers. Currently enjoying a beer with some music at the moment. I wish I had the energy to play some video games. But I hate my life too much right now. There's no enjoyment to have in my hobbies. As always, writing this diary in case anything happens to me. I don’t feel suicidal at the moment - but earlier today I just wished everything would end. Just in case a moment of weakness takes over me, I will continue to write.
Day 3: Beers (26 March 2020)
As for now it is 5:40pm and today I have done nothing. I watched some videos on YouTube. I felt sorry for myself for a few hours and then I had a nap. I wanted to spend my day playing video games, but I didn’t have the energy for that. Maybe tomorrow. I’m going to write some of my diary entry now and some later on - as I have plans to go out.
I’ve made plans to meet Erin later. I know that it’s against the law and I could get fined. But I’m literally going crazy sitting here alone. I know it’s selfish and I can understand why the government don’t want us going out. But what about people like me, who feel trapped at the best of times. Basically, we need to sneak out. Hopefully have a few beers (although keeping our distance as to not spread the virus). This honestly feels like some awful sci-fi movie I’m trapped in. I suggested we meet half-way between our houses but she told me that the police may find us there in the woods as there’s apparently been complaints about kids drinking in the woods. This is only day 3 of being trapped in our houses - we still have another 18 days to go. I wish I still worked in retail. I understand the risks but anything feels better than this.
At Home. Just after 10pm. So I’m not long in the door. Erin and I sat on a park bench with a beer. The bench was wet and my ass got wet. It was so good to have a normal conversation about a video game that I bought last week. My friend loves animal crossing, but she doesn’t want to buy a Nintendo Switch just for one game. So we discussed what fruits I had on my island and she was giving me pointers of how to play the game. That was the most normal conversation I’ve had all week. I asked her what she had been up to throughout lockdown. She told me that she’d walked the dog and generally enjoyed her time indoors.
Times like these I wish I had a dog. A companion would be so good right now. We had a family dog when I was growing up. She passed away in 2007 and I don’t think we ever got over that as a family. We have a small statue in our living room that has our dogs collar on it with her name tag. I think she was the reason I originally found enjoyment in writing. A few years before she died she was seriously ill so I wrote her a poem and a letter.
I don’t mean to play the victim in this situation as we are all going through a difficult time. But I believe that by desperately wanting love, I come across as weird - I hate the fact I’m so desperate. Honestly, I do. I have at least another 18 days under house arrest due to COVID-19, so I will more than likely write more about Ben when I can. I feel a part of me falling into the fantasy completely. I just want it to be real so much. I hate being lonely. I want to be telling him how I feel; and I’d want him to listen and I’d listen to what he has to say. You know, that normal thing where couples talk to each other about stuff. I don’t have that with anyone at the moment. I don’t think I ever will if I’m honest. I just keep replaying my memories (from the last few weeks) of him and look at what I want to see. It’s pathetic. It really is. But I do keep thinking there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m too weird to find love. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.
I feel as if I may have repeated myself from the last few paragraphs, but I’ve had a few beers… that is my excuse. As a rule from this diary, I generally don’t read my entries until at least a few months have past, I also don’t delete anything. When I write something it stays where it is. When you do something in life there is no undo or rewind button. My diary skills are much the same. Sometimes I feel that this diary isn’t a healthy escape. It may force me to obsess more and to not talk about my feelings. I feel as if when I attempt to discuss or mention my feelings, they are shut down by my friends instantly and I am not being acknowledged.
Another thing Erin mentioned tonight when I was talking about my diary. She told me that she wrote a letter to her ex girlfriend after they had broken up. But she never intended to send it to her. It was for more clearing her mind and to get her feelings out. In my diary I constantly write about my feelings and the people that affect my life.
With the next 18 days spending in confinement, I would like to try and write some letters to friends. Maybe not to send them out. But just to get my feelings onto the computer screen.
Maybe I can write a mini plan and write a letter a day or something. I’ll need to see what my energy levels are like on the coming days. I’m determined to force myself to have a good day tomorrow. I want to feel some sort of positively. I don’t want to cry tomorrow. I don’t even want to think tomorrow. I just want to survive! After feeling like I no longer wish to live for so long - more than ever I WANT TO LIVE Although under current circumstances that makes it very difficult.
Day 4: Absolutely Nothing (27 March 2020)
I just wanted to write something today. 11pm.
I didn't get to sleep until 6am this morning. I've spent my entire day in bed - obviously going for the odd cigarette out in the back garden. I had so much positivity planned for today but it never happened.
I think I've started to become numb. Regularly checking on statistics from around the world. It's painful to watch the death toll rise each day. Today there was 181 deaths in the UK.
I started watching anime around 9pm. I haven't had any conversation today with anyone. I've sent a few messages but failed to get any replies. I guess that shows who your true friends are.
I also signed myself up to do some volunteer work. I don't know what that involves, as I'm not able to do my normal job. Hopefully I can get stuff to do next week and I would be a little less stressed and lonely. I just wish I could keep busy and not be left alone with my thoughts
Tomorrow I hope I can find the energy to play some video games. The old me would loved to have a week without work to play video games. But this is a far from surreal experience.
I really do hope I can make a list of things I wish to do after lockdown is lifted. I want to fulfil those things; such as going to the beach or even just driving in my car or getting food somewhere. Getting food is my favourite thing to do but I really haven't eaten much at all since Monday... As I've said previously, I'm so depressed. But my depression has been exhausting. Hopefully tomorrow I can 'pretend' to be less depressed!
Day 5: Positivity (28 March 2020)
As I promised myself previously. I would have a positive day today. That has been without a doubt mentally draining. But today I have managed to do things I couldn't earlier. I tidied up my bedroom from beer cans and empty energy drinks. I opened my blinds. Changed my bedsheets. Played some music. I had a hot shower. We also had Chinese food delivered. My parents thought they had all closed, but we were still able to order - it just required us to pay online and they left our order on the doorstep as to avoid any contact.
Contactless delivery means that the delivery person leaves the items on the doorstep and knocks - then he walks down the drive way until you answer so that they can keep their distance.
Today, the death count worldwide today is over 3,000. 260 deaths in the UK. that leaves the total worldwide death count over 30,000. This breaks my heart knowing that it will be more. They think that the UK alone there will be a total of 200,000 deaths - and that's one of the 'better case' scenarios. I just wish this would all end. The more I think about it all, the more it feels like nightmare that I haven't been able to wake up from yet.
Today, more than ever, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! I find myself going a little crazy and speaking to myself as if I had someone in my prison-bedroom with me. I think I will write a list of things I want to do after the lockdown has been lifted. I honestly wonder what life is going to be like when this is all over.
Social distancing has been one of the most painful thing I've had to face. I just want to hug - and I'm not someone that likes to hug! Social distancing feels like I’m back on the playground and nobody wanted to be near me. Even in a professional environment or in a supermarket, people just don’t want to be around me. I know the reasoning behind all of that but it doesn’t change the way I feel about it all.
I think tonight I will play some video games. I haven't played anything since lockdown was announced last Monday. I'm not sure what I want to play. I want to play something I can sink hours into. There's still another 15/16 days of lockdown if it's not extended. I hope it isn't extended.
Also, tonight is when the clocks move forward one hour. Marking the beginning of British Summer Time. I had a fantasy of kissing someone at 00:59 and then we stop kissing at 2am. As, the kiss would only last a minute but an hour would have passed. That's the kind of romantic things I would like in my life. Maybe next year I can achieve my little romantic fantasy and have my ‘one hour kiss in a minute’.
Over the last week I've been a LOT more open about my mental state online. I guess I felt as if it I was forced to.
Nobody to speak to and no other way to let it out. I feel as if I’ve had my acceptance withdrawn from me. Some people have already ‘unfriended me’ on social media. I also understand that a lot of people may be feeling as isolated as I am. I just wish I would be able to connect with them with a bit more ease.
But as I think I've said in every recent diary entry, I'm so thankful that I can record my feelings - especially through a roller coaster of emotions like this week has been - and the next 2 weeks will be. At this point the only constructive thing that I can do is to write and record my feelings as they happen.
It's not even 10pm yet. I'm going to crack open an energy drink and hopefully play some video games!
Until next time.
Day 6: Night Into Day (29 March 2020)
This is Sunday. Lockdown was imposed on the UK last Monday. This is day 6. Today, 209 people have died in the UK with a global daily death count just over 3,000. The total deaths is at 33,900. Although - that's only the cases that have been recorded. The number might be a bit higher. Yesterday the UK suffered 260 deaths - the highest yet - but I believe that will peak higher in the coming days. I hate this so much.
As I haven't left the house since Thursday, I am going a little crazy. The only time I go outside is to smoke - sometimes smoking 2 cigarettes in a row. I didn't get to my bed until 9am this morning. I'm trying to turn my days into nights as I feel slightly more calm at night. I didn't want to have it come to this; but when I get really depressed I refuse to sleep at a normal time just so I can sleep all day. I just wish I could sleep and wake up when this is all over with.
When Andy and I broke up just over 3 years ago, I spent my whole days sleeping and spent my nights awake so that I didn’t have to deal with life. That was my way of coping with the depression and anxiety at that time. I thought it would make things easier on me at the time - but that wasn’t the case. I don’t want to turn my days into night - but that’s all I can think about doing to help me.
Last night I started playing a new video game. I have enjoyed it (I've nearly finished 100%, it is a short indie game) I just wish I could be playing with someone as it is a 2 player game. This is the type of game Andy and I would play together and complete within a day or so.
I'm so lonely and depressed. Lockdown isn't the main cause of that - it just makes me more aware of how lonely I really am. I spent a lot of nights with Andy in my bedroom playing video games or watching television. I would give anything to have someone here with me. Ive successfully managed to avoid any conversation with my parents all day. I know this is extremely selfish of me to say this - but I wish I lived alone. I want my own space but I don’t want to be lonely.
I messaged my group work chat. Just to see how everybody was. Only 1 person replied. That was a little heartbreaking to be honest. I was wanting interaction. Maybe not full blown conversation, just a little interaction. I feel as if I'm the only person that ever attempts to reach out to people. Maybe it's because I've done such a great job pushing everyone away. I just wish people would be able to look through that and see that I'm just a little bit scared and lonely.
I've decided to pour myself a 'small' glass of vodka and energy drink. I don't want to go to sleep anytime soon. Currently just after 11pm. There's at least another 15 days of lockdown. I'm not even half way through it yet. I don't know what will happen in the next few days. But I'm not feeling very hopeful.
I’ll write tomorrow!
Day 7: A New Week (30 March 2020)
Writing at an earlier time of 8pm today. The UK has registered another 180 deaths out of almost 3,000 worldwide. Italy and Spain are also recording some high numbers at 812 and 527 respectively. Although the number of deaths have been decreasing each day, There has been another 2,600 cases of COVID-19 discovered today in the UK; yesterday there was another 2,400. That number seems to be getting higher. They say lockdown could last anywhere up to 6 months. I truly hope that isn't the case. I don't think I can write in my diary every day for 6 months.
I can't lie, I've been studying these statistics obsessively for a few days now. I feel the need to write about that. Last night I had 3 glasses of vodka and energy drink, so I knew I wasn't drunk, but I did feel uneasy when I finally attempted to go to bed around 5am. I kept thinking about this pandemic and what it means for everyone. I just wish I could fast-forward my life by 1 year. But I fear then, everything will not be back to how it was before. My anxiety levels are at an all-time high, and there's nothing I can do about that. I can't even leave my house and go for a drive, or sit somewhere in my car and feel sorry for myself. Those are some of the things I done to ease my stress and anxiousness. But I have found some relief by typing on this keyboard.
I managed to escape my bedroom-prison for about 45 minutes today to go to the supermarket. It felt strange getting back in my car since I hadn't driven since last Wednesday. I wanted to buy some more energy drinks as I was running out. On my drive there, there was only another 2 cars on the road, I also spotted a police van. Because the supermarket closes at 8pm, I like to go at the last hour to avoid the busyness and queues. I managed to get in, get what I need and leave. My parents wanted me to buy them milk. But when I got home I realised the milk was leaking and was all over the floor... They say not to cry over spilled milk - But I could have just cried there and then. But I couldn't. Instead all I got was angry.
The highlight of my day, speaking to the woman on the Kiosk. It was just a very quick conversation. But it was a conversation nonetheless. I felt like an old aged pensioner, going to the supermarket to fulfil a basic human need of interaction. When I worked in retail we were always told to make conversation with people as it may be the only interaction they would have in a day.
Since writing this diary entry, I wanted to open my blinds. I wanted to enjoy the last hour or so of sunlight. But now, it's dark - I think I was too late. I'm watching a live concert on my TV with the music up a few notches but it isn't too loud. I wonder if there will be a big concert when this is all over. How many tears will be shed. Not just at the taste of our freedom, but for all the lives that have been lost. I know most of what I write in here is rather selfish, it's all about me. But I'm not a selfish person. Sometimes hatred and jealousy just take over me and I can't even think straight.
I wish someone would message me. Please reach out to me. I'm lonely. That is my plea. I wish any of my friends would message me, just for a normal chat.
I know that my sense of reality has been altered, especially over this last week. But I may just delve further into my alternate reality - because the current one I'm living in doesn't give me any sort of satisfaction or happiness. Last night I was imagining how much happier I would be if I was locked down with Ben. Because I'm unable to escape into the real world. I feel myself delving further into my made up reality. I just hope that I'll be able to escape when this is all over.
In the last 10 minutes I have been messaging Rachel. She was working nightshift all last week. I was asking her about what her plans for the week were. I told her she could talk to me whenever she wanted to. I'm always willing to listen to her - or anybody for that matter. When she speaks to me, I feel a little more special and important.
There is at least another 14 days of lockdown. This has been day 7. I don't know what my next entries will include. But I want to write as much as I can. Just in case anything is to happen to me. But as always Stay Strong, and if you aren't able to stay strong, please stay alive!
I'd quite like to go through each entry in my diary in the remaining days and maybe reflect on how things have changed. Maybe some things I said were a little stupid. I've grown a lot as a person since starting this diary (back in 2017). My mental state might not be as good as it once was. There's always going to be good and bad days. But maybe if I can relive some awful days I had through my breakup with Andy, it might be able to help me. Or at best, it would help me pass some time. I wonder if I could maybe go through every single entry.
I don't need anybody to understand why I feel a certain way. Just to know that I felt that way. I can't rewrite my past, otherwise I would probably never be able to find true happiness. I'm just one person. Looking for my happiness.
I’ll write again tomorrow.
Day 8: Glimmer of Hope (31 March 2020)
I hoped that I would be able to add something a bit more positive regarding COVID-19. Unfortunately today there was 381 deaths recorded making the total death count for the UK almost 1,800. There was also an increase of over 3,000 cases totalling at 25,000 in the UK alone. Today the world suffered just over 41,000 deaths. Total death count 41,000. I honestly wish this would just all end. I have a horrible feeling lockdown is going to last much longer than the remaining 13 days.
This entry was starting to get written just after 1pm. My blind has been opened and my window is open, too. I’m also playing some YouTube videos on my television. More live concerts. I will write about the coronavirus at 2pm, when the UK death toll is submitted, and add it above this paragraph.
This morning I was awoken at 11:20am by a phone call from one of my managers. I’m required at work tomorrow. I felt a sigh of relief. A small escape from my bedroom prison. Finally, I’ve been asked to do something, I can get out of the house, Some sort of normality. Although I will be working alone. I am required to drive to pick up stuff and bring it back to our base.
Because I asked my managers in the group chat about doing this job myself, they asked if I wanted someone to work with (as it does require a lot of lifting and loading/unloading of the van. I was told that I’ll be working with another guy tomorrow but we are required to take separate vans as to work within social distancing laws. Tomorrow will be quite a weird day at work I reckon. I just hope that it goes smoothly and that I’m asked to work on other days of the week. As I’m unsure how many people will be working, but I think it’ll just be 2 people a day and I think those people may need to be rotated.
I feel like such a mink right now. I’ve worn the same shorts for a week and I haven’t showered since last Thursday. I fail to see the point in the upkeep in my hygiene at the moment (although I am washing my hands more than ever). I understand that maybe that’s not helping my mental state.
But I will write more tomorrow.
Day 9: April 2020 (1 April 2020)
Today was a very bad day for my country due to the death count due to COVID19. 563 deaths today bringing out total count to 2,352. I hope this will all end soon. These aren't just statistics, they are lives of people that have families and friends. The worldwide death count stands at 47,000. I genuinely hope that the deaths will start to fall soon, but I fear we are nowhere near the peak yet. Lockdown was enforced in order to 'flatten the curve', a phrase Ive heard countless times daily on the news as I watch obsessively. Overthinking. Worrying. Feeling as isolated as ever.
Ironically, today has been one of the better days I've had mentally. For me, I was asked to go into work and got there at 9:30am. Although I was asked to come in for 10. I wanted to take my time being outdoors in the empty car park. Enjoy a cigarette outside before going in. The reason I was asked into work today was that I can drive. I had to take the van up to the other building (which is about a 25 minute drive through country roads and villages). I must admit, it was so strange being out on the open road after being in lockdown for so long.
When I was driving, I played my 'most played' playlist. Cranked the music up and enjoyed the empty roads and lonely scenery. It was such a surreal experience. It was as if I was driving at night - but it was 10am. The drive back to our base, I think I shed a small tear. Not a depressed tear but more of a sorrowful yet hopeful tear. I feel like I was so lucky to be asked to work - I never thought I would say something like that. The entire base building felt so lonely, as there was only 3 of us in the entire building all in separate rooms. I made myself a cup noodle for my lunch and I managed to stink out the entire building... I felt guilty but I just laughed it off and nobody said anything. Glad it wasn't anything fish related!
I thanked my manager for asking me to work today. He said he doesn't think I'll be able to work tomorrow as there are other people coming in. But hopefully on Friday I'll get asked to come in. It was honestly such a sweet escape. I'm a hard worker and feel that I managed to make a good dent in what is required for the week. Maybe if I had worked slower there would be more chance of getting to work on Friday, But I feel I wanted to make a good impression since I was the only person working in the rooms that I was in.
This was day 9 of lockdown. 12 more days remain. Although that may be extended. I need to stay hopeful. I don't have much planned for tomorrow. But I hope I can try my best and stay positive. I wish I could be content playing video games and watching anime. But I just don't feel like doing anything like that. I didn't even feel like writing today, but I forced myself to. I didn't want to let this 'better mental day' get lost in my series of lockdown posts.
Day 10: Speedrun (2 April 2020)
Today the death count of COVID19 has passed 50,000 with the UK suffering 569 recorded deaths. There has now been over 1 million cases worldwide with just over 200,000 recovered.
Last night. Or this morning technically. 4am. I started playing a video game with speed boosts and level boosts. Not really paying attention to the majority of the story I already know so well. I used cheat modes too so that I couldn't die. I managed to finish the game in a little under 6 hours. I'm not sure why I even bothered playing if I'm honest, I just wanted to do something that required very little concentration. I went to bed about 7am and slept until 5pm.
Although one of my managers called me around 10am asking if I could come in to work tomorrow. I agreed. Anything to get me out of this jail I'm currently in. Today, I haven't messaged anyone and nobody has messaged me. I've not made any sort of conversation with my parents. I don't really feel like it to be completely honest.
My parents took part in the applause at 8pm. Where everyone gets to their doorstep and cheer on the key workers, such as NHS staff and supermarket workers. I’m sorry I didn’t take part. I just didn’t have the energy.
Also, I haven't been eating normally. I've only really been having one meal a day. Although I've just consumed 2 bars of chocolate whilst writing this. It feels like I haven't in chocolate in months either. It's not my favourite snack of choice - but I do still enjoy it.
I'm genuinely so happy that I've been asked to go into work tomorrow. I know I'll probably be working myself. But, it gives me some sense of normality by keeping myself busy. I'll probably get a little conversation from the other guy that will be there; but we won't be able to work in the same room due to social distancing.
Social distancing has been the most difficult I've had to endure. I've never really been the type to be the centre of attention. But when I've made myself comfortable speaking to 2-3 people in a small group to then be told that I can't do that anymore. It is extremely heartbreaking and soul destroying. I know my pain doesn't compare to those that are suffering this awful virus. But the fact I don't have anybody messaging me every day, or even someone just paying me a little bit of attention. I don't know, I don't like how it makes me feel. I've probably repeated myself over the last week or so. I just feel myself fill up with so many negative emotions that I'm starting to hate myself. Is it my fault I don't have many friends?
Until next time.
Day 11: Giving Up On Love (3 April 2020)
Today COVID19 has taken another 684 lives in the UK putting the total death count to 3,605. Obsessive as ever watching the website count; but apart from that I've tried my best to avoid the news today (but again it's only 9pm, I still may find myself glued to the news later on tonight). Queen Elizabeth II is to address the nation on Sunday at 8pm. This is day 11 on lockdown, to be reviewed in 10 days.
I was asked to work today and I was so thankful to get out the house and to be at work. Today I was working with a guy that I get on quite well with, but haven't really had a chance to speak much to him properly. We have a decent amount of banter - he calls me a dirty smoker and I give him the middle finger. We joke. But when I attempted to talk about the possibility of lockdown being lifted he told me there was no chance - that we will be trapped until at least the end of May. I fear he may be right... But I refuse to believe that in order to protect my own sanity. I don't want to keep living like this!
My boss was at work today with us. Because of the lockdown, we were all doing the same job. Even his boss was helping - all doing the same job. It did feel good to work so closely with them and my boss did praise me for working so efficiently today. That made me a little happy. But his boss takes social distancing very seriously - he would literally walk the opposite direction in the narrow corridor when he seen me coming. I know there's supposed to be 2 metres between each person, but it is heartbreaking. I really hope I'm asked to work at some point next week, it really is such a great escape and I feel a little more important when I'm at work.
I only worked from 10am to 2pm today. When I got home I just sat in my bedroom until about 6pm, then I started playing that game I was speed running yesterday, attempting to get 100%, but I may give up. I currently have the game paused and YouTube playing on my TV instead. It's becoming a habit of watching music on YouTube on my TV. Maybe I should do it a little more. I might attempt to create a playlist with music videos later on tonight.
All I've had to eat today was a chicken and bacon wrap and half an Easter egg. I may finish the other half after I've written this. I'm really not hungry. I thought I should be skinny by now, but my belly still looks pregnant when I look in the mirror. It doesn't bother me to be completely honest, I'm not fat and I enjoy going out to restaurants. I wonder when the restaurants will open back up. It feels like a lifetime ago I was sitting in Nando's or Wagamama. 2 of my favourite places to eat.
I really miss driving somewhere with a nice view. My mood has been so low lately and I think if I was able to get out somewhere, to one of my many usual spots, I could contemplate existence and relief some stress. Although, I wish I didn't feel the urge to drive to escape my problems anymore.
If I'm completely honest, I don't see much value in my life at the moment. I feel pretty worthless. Yet, if I found a partner, I believe I would make them the most valuable and important thing in my life. I wonder if that's a healthy belief to have. The nights I spent with Daniel, I felt so carefree and happy. I felt as if nothing could hurt me. Even walking into Burger King with him - I felt like an important person. I felt like a person.
I really liked Daniel. He was straight but we had such a bromance together. We would do some romantic-type things together such as going for midnight walks to sit at a nice view and would hug regularly. Sometimes he would pick me up if I wasn’t able to get up on a ledge or over a wall. Another night we feel asleep on his sofa almost hugging. I feel as if he led me on and constantly had me questioning whether we were just friends or if we were more.
Right now, I don't really feel much of a human. My future looks pretty bleak at the moment. I don't have any plans because I'm not allowed to have any plans due to lockdown. Again, I understand why we're all told to stay at home to stop the spread of the virus... BUT are those of us that are depressed, are we expected just to suck it up and feel trapped for weeks. I have a fear of what this will do to others mental health and general physical health.
I've tried and tried to keep myself busy. But I have zero drive to do anything I enjoy. I've been overthinking every single aspect in life. Every friendship too. Are those friendships worth having if they make me feel so alone. I feel as if what I'm saying may be a little selfish. But I can't help that I feel that way. Until next time.
Day 12: Saturday in Bed (4 April 2020)
COVID19 news again. 708 deaths in the UK today (4,313 total in the UK). 46 in Scotland (218 total in Scotland).
Last night I must have fallen asleep with my clothes on. My bedroom light and TV was still on when I awoke. My TV turns off after 4 hours of inactivity so I must have been asleep less than that. When I awoke I finished the rest of my energy juice and turned my TV and light off and went back to bed. I think I woke up about 3pm.
I went for a cigarette. Then back to bed. I just lay there staring at the ceiling. Eventually I started playing that game again that I had speed run, still trying to get 100%. I know it's a waste of time but I don't have much energy for anything else.
Today Madison messaged me. She asked how I was doing. I appreciate that a lot. She made me laugh a little bit. We didn't mention the coronavirus; but she told me off when I told her I was glued to the news online. She told me to avoid it. I know I should... I don't know why I can't stop searching for information.
Today, Steven made me feel guilty for wanting to go to the shop for energy juice and cigarettes. He told me that the staff in the shop he used to work will tell me to fuck off if that's all I went in for. I understand only shopping for the essentials - but I'm not eating much right now and energy juice and cigarettes are the only thing keeping me going. He's the same person that told me to suck it up when I told him if lockdown is extended I won't be making it. As if he understands mental health. I feel trapped. I know thousands of others will be feeling the same way I do.
No matter what the outcome of this pandemic, I know it will change me. My mood has taken a large hit and I've not been the same me since it was announced. As soon as lockdown is lifted, I want to go for a drive myself to one of my favourite locations and just chill with my own company. A part of me feels that I don't deserve friendship or happiness, another part doesn't want it because I'll only feel let down. This has certainly shown me my true friends. Let's hope this lockdown only lasts another 9 days... I hope! I hope! I hope!
Day 13: The Queens Speech (5 April 2020)
Tonight at 8pm, the speech of the queen was on television. It was nice to hear. 'We will be with our friends again, we will be with our families again, we will meet again'. This was to enforce unity amongst the United Kingdom. COVID19 has taken another 621 lives today. A small drop from yesterday - I hope it continues to drop. Although there has been another 6,000 cases today, totalling at just shy of 48,000 cases in the UK.
The idea of lockdown finishing next week is getting slimmer and slimmer. Nobody seems to be reassuring me. I need my escape. I need to get out. If it does get extended, I may need to break out... Probably at night. I've spent my entire day fantasising about being outside. Alone. But outside all the same. I just hate this lonely reality so much.
If I'm completely honest I don't even know why I decided to write in here every day during lockdown. I guess it gives me some sort of sense of achievement. The one thing that I can do every night. It's not like I can keep writing about how shit and boring my life is right now. I've not had any communication again today. I really should reach out. But I'm too stubborn to do that.
This is quite embarrassing to admit. But I haven't showered since Thursday evening (as I worked 4 hours on Friday). I haven't really bothered with personal hygiene, I'm too depressed to even think about any of that. I think I also might be wearing the same clothes. I'm not trying to impress anyone and I don't feel like making an effort, not even for myself because I feel unworthy and fail to see the point in showering and making myself healthy or to look good.
I hope hope hope that there will only be 8 more days of lockdown. I've been fantasising all day about going out myself, driving somewhere far away in my car or something. I'm feeling so anxious that I can feel myself filling with anger and hatred. I'm angry at the universe and I hate myself for being so helpless. I honestly wish my life was different. I wish I was someone else. I don’t mind if I had to go out myself, I just feel a need to escape.
I was thinking earlier, that before lockdown was announced, I did have a feeling of dread. A feeling that I was going to be trapped. A similar feeling when the snow is very heavy and I'm unable to get out in my car anywhere. For me, that is my escape. I love just being on the open road, music on, cigarette in mouth, energy drink in my cup holder. I actually prefer to drive by myself as opposed with other people. Because that is where I do most of my thinking. All I've had today and for the previous 2 weeks - is the same old boring walls. Until tomorrow, I will write again
Day 14: Pushing. Everyone. Away. (6 April 2020)
Today another 439 deaths were recorded in the UK. 2 of which were in Scotland. The lowest death in April so far. April 1 was 563 and March 31 was 381. I don't wish to get my hopes up that this will be lower tomorrow. But I am hoping. The time now is 11:30pm.
Today has been worse than hell. Just before 7pm, my dad took a turn for the worse and my mum decided to take him into the hospital. My mum wasn't allowed into the hospital so she had to wait in the carpark and they gave her a call on her mobile. She had waited for 2 hours in the car park when they called her to say that he would need to be kept in over night. She arrived home shortly after and I went to bed. I was exhausted so decided to grab a few hours sleep.
What hurts most is that I may never get to see my dad again. Hospitals aren't allowed visitors due to the spread of the coronavirus. My mum asked me earlier if I was able to pick him up from the hospital tomorrow - but I doubt that's going to happen. I just wish this hell would end already. I need normality.
On a slight more positive note. Although I broke the law today, I arranged to meet Rachel at the supermarket. I had to go to get myself more energy drinks and asked her if she would meet me in the carpark. I parked my car next to her and we have a small conversation. It felt nice. Then, I walked into the supermarket first and she went in after me. I seen her around the store but wasn't allowed to speak to her. When I finished my shopping, I waited in my car and she came out about 10 minutes later. We had another chat. It felt good to actually communicate her in real life. But I was saddened by the fact the conversation was confined to our cars. Not that we ever hug or anything - but usually we would sit in each others cars and we have a normal conversation.
Times like these I really miss Andy. I would do anything to get those days back. I was a happy person then. I had some issues, but they felt manageable. If I was able to text him during lockdown, I may have the strength to do things I enjoy such as playing new video games and watching more TV shows. Maybe I don't necessarily miss Andy himself, but I do miss being in that equal partnership. We genuinely did share our lives together and spent almost every day together. If we were still together during lockdown - if we hadn't lived together by now which we probably would have - I know that we would be in constant contact. I just wish somebody would take the time to really know me. I believe that Andy knew me inside and out. I'm quite a complex person and my mind seems to work differently to others.
I've already suffered 14 days in lockdown. Just another 7 to go until it gets reviewed. I really hope I get to escape soon. I cannot take any more of this horrible reality. I hate everyone and everything at the moment and I feel as if my path to destruction has only just begun.
Day 15: Self Destruct (7 April 2020)
COVID-19 has taken 786 deaths today in the UK with a rise of 74 in Scotland. Totalling at 6,159 for the UK as a whole and 296 for Scotland. This is day 15 of lockdown.
I haven't done much today. Woke up at 10am as the doorbell went. It was my new tank for my vape. Woke up again at 2pm for a cigarette. Woke up just after 4 and ordered Chinese food for my mum and I. Woke up at 6:30 when Chinese food arrived. It is now 8:30pm and decided I should write in my diary.
My dad is being kept in hospital another night. I hate how I'm not able to see him. I had to tell my mum (just before writing this diary entry) to call my sister and let her know. She would be distraught if we never told her. Although she won't be able to visit due to lockdown. My mum didn't want to worry her but I know she would rather know as soon as possible. If anything were to happen I doubt she'd forgive us.
Being alone with my thoughts is very exhausting. Somehow I feel as if I'm being punished. I can't deny that I've been on the warpath lately. Picking fights with those closest to me. I feel so much anger building up inside me. Can't deny that I've been very depressed too. Sometimes I feel like I'm acting in a selfish manner but maybe that's the feelings of desperation
In all honesty. More than ever I've felt as if I want to live. I just feel as if I'm not allowed to at the moment. I don’t think anybody has had a great time since lockdown begun. Nobody enjoys hearing about the death and destruction in the world at the moment. Maybe when I started hitting the self destruct button it was just my way of dealing with things.
When this is all over, and there will be an end to it, life isn't going to be the same. But it doesn't necessarily have to be worse... Hopefully I will be able to speak how I feel more openly and not to keep things bottled inside me, I won't be afraid to cry if I need to.
I don't need therapy. I just need a friend. I feel that I've always known too much about things and that might be my biggest weakness. I like to obsess over the small things because I know I can't control the big things. We all have our weaknesses and they all seem to come out in moments of desperation. I know that I am a strong person and I know I have so much more to give to this world. So for that reason, I'm not going to give up. I will keep fighting. Until next time, I'll write!
Day 16: Numb (8 April 2020)
Today has been an extremely sad day for the UK. 938 deaths recorded due to the coronavirus. This has been the highest the number has been since the outbreak began. I have a horrible sense that this will be even higher tomorrow. But I am powerless. I also think that the review for lockdown restrictions to be lifted is being pushed back. But the only thing I can do is to wait and to hope.
There is a work meeting tomorrow which we have all been asked to attend. I'm unsure if they are going to bring us bad news. But I have been giving a phone number to call and then a code to put it so we can all join in - because I haven’t set up my at home authentication yet.
Today I have been very extremely numb. My dad got home from the hospital this afternoon. Of course I'm happy. But I think my emotions have burned out and I can no longer feel anything. I was expecting the worse. He’s just not the same. I fear that he may need to go back at some point. He can’t eat or even talk very much.
I was determined to force myself to have a positive day today. But that has felt quite impossible. I've not had a negative day either, so I guess that's better. The feeling of numbness is better than feeling horrible. I even managed to force myself into the shower. But I still have about 3 weeks worth of facial hair on me. I've spent most of the day in bed, just to leave to have the odd cigarette outside (it was so sunny earlier!) and to have something to eat.
I've felt myself drifting in and out of strange dreams throughout the day. One of them I sat up in my bed and seen that my bed side cabinet had been cleaned. I got annoyed because I thought someone had been in my room whilst I slept. But then when I woke up I was confused to how it was littered with empty beer and energy drink cans again.
Also been day dreaming about Ben a lot. I know that isn't healthy, but neither is being trapped indoors for over 2 weeks! I've been fantasising about what our first date would be like. At the end of the working day I would ask him, with confidence, if he fancies getting food that night. Then I would drive him to the city to my favourite Asian restaurant and use chopsticks and just have an awesome time together. Then at the end he would want to sit somewhere nice and then he would kiss me. Fantasies like that have become a regular occurrence. I've also had thoughts running through my head about the times we had spent together at work and how I wish I had played things differently. Not necessarily be a different person, maybe be a bit more open from the beginning. I just enjoyed having a small crush on Ben, much like a high school crush where nothing really happens. It was just nice. But now due to my isolation I feel that it has escalated into something a bit too obsessive.
I managed to finished watching an anime series last night. I was just over half way through and didn't want to leave it too long with it unfinished. A new game comes out on Friday (28 hours from now) and its been one of the things I've been looking forward to for years. I hope that it doesn't disappoint. On evenings in normal times I would enjoy watching an anime series before I slept, although these aren’t normal times. So I feel as if managing to finish the series was a small achievement for me.
I don't think I have anymore to write about tonight. It's almost 8pm. I might play video games or just go back to bed. I'm unsure yet.
Until next time.
Day 17: Lockdown Extension (9 April 2020)
I'm not going to write any COVID19 statistics today. Not much has changed. It could be another 3 weeks until another review is carried out. This is honestly the worse feeling that I've ever had in my life. I don't know how much more I can take. It feels like I'm trapped in some dingy prison cell (though my bedroom is far from dingy). I've never felt so alone and I feel as if the entire world is against me right now. I'm well aware of the crisis that is going on, I've been obsessed with the numbers since lockdown began. But I am frustrated and angry. I'm basically being told not to live my life. I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone in weeks.
We had a conference call with work today. I didn't have my computer set up so I just had to join through the phone number provided. We're having a meeting next week at the same time. It was so nice just to hear everyone's voices. Especially Ben, my heart pounded a little when he spoke. But just to hear everyone - albeit not saying much - was heartwarming. I can't wait to get back to work to see everyone. I feel as if I work in a very good team and there’s nobody that I don’t like.
Apart from that, that is all that happened today. I've just lay in bed feeling sorry for myself. I understand all this push to do something constructive during lockdown, such as learning a new hobby/language, exercise etc. But in truth, I don't have the energy for that. I can no longer see the end of this awful tunnel.
There is 1 thing that is really keeping me going. A video game comes in out less than 3 hours. Already downloaded and installed but unable to play until midnight. Originally I had hoped that would take me until Monday and then be released from my jail on Tuesday. I don't know how far into fantasyland I can let myself go before I can no longer return to reality. I think I might just lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling until midnight.
Day 19: Unrecognisable (11 April 2020)
It is almost 2am on Sunday. I'm unsure how many days lockdown will last, so each entry that I write will just be titled as 'Day #'. Reminding myself of how many days I've come will help me, I think. I’ve already survived 19 days of this torture.
The deaths caused by COVID-19 from yesterday and today (980 and 917). It is believed that the peak will come next weekend and the deaths may raise into the 3,000-4,000. There is a total death count of 542 in Scotland. I do hope that they consider release of Scotland before the rest of the UK - but that may be unlikely. I just wish I had answers. I've already suffered for 19 days and my anger and frustration is starting to build up. I'm literally losing the will to stay alive.
Yesterday was one of the better days. One of my managers called me to ask me to go into work next Tuesday. That is one thing I have to look forward to. Also, I've been playing this new game that I pre-ordered. I began playing midnight on Friday, so I spent most of my Friday playing that. It was a nice distraction. Before I realised, it was 6am, that's why I didn't write an entry for that date.
Today, again, I didn't speak to anyone. I only had a few biscuits to eat as well. I just feel too weak and don't really see the point to be honest. Although I did drag myself into the shower for a quick wash. It had been about a week. I don't really know what else I can say. This morning when I woke up my phone wouldn't unlock. The facial recognition feature wasn't working properly. I had to disable it. When I looked at myself the mirror I could barely recognise myself.
I haven't shaved in over a month, sometimes I like to how a little stubble and then shave. But generally I'm shaved most of the time. My eyes don't have the same look to them either, I can't quite explain it. My eyes look a little smaller, they look extremely tired, it also seemed earlier that my face around my eyes looked a little swollen. I don’t want to be seen like this.
All the hope I was holding onto to be released next week has just vanished. This still feels like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. But I will be writing again soon.
Day 23: Lockdown Review? (15 April 2020)
Today is day 23 of lockdown. Tomorrow there is a review, but I'm really worried because Northern Ireland have already said their lockdown has been extended to May 9th. Which in total will be almost 7 weeks, with a little over 3 weeks to go. They've started to sound a little more positive that we have flattened the death curve and that we may be on peak. What worries me is that Northern Ireland have had drastically less cases of the virus and deaths than Scotland has.
I worked yesterday. Although I felt that I wasn't properly focused on the job - it still got done and it felt so great to get out of the house. I was working with Ben and another guy. It was so good to see Ben; although he was very distant. They both said that they were enjoying lockdown. I honestly can't understand how anybody can enjoy this torture. I hate every moment. Ben also wore a sick mask, it was a washable one and I knew he wasn't wearing it seriously because he kept changing sides from the white side to the bear face smile side. I wonder if he really is coping. I just wish he would talk to me now. After work I sat in my car for half an hour before driving the long way home. I hadn’t seen Ben in over 3 weeks and it felt nice seeing someone that had been my distraction for the last few weeks.
Today I haven't done anything. I've literally spent every moment in bed. Had some chicken at 4pm and then watched the news updates on COVID-19. Then I slept. I awoke just after 10pm. I'm still exhausted.
Being in lockdown has been a massive strain on my mental state and its starting to affect me physically as well. I just generally feel weak. My appetite has completely vanished and I've only really had a small thing to eat every day. I would guess at bout 400-500 calories. Then, of course energy drinks. I also feel as if I've lost a tonne of weight as well. I was never a big guy - but I definitely notice how thin I've become.
I've been dreaming about the lift of lockdown. It's been my primary focus since it started. It's driving me crazy. But I don't even know what life will be like afterwards. It may have caused me some irreversible damage. I guess we'll need to wait and see. I just don't know what the point in living is if we can't properly live.
Until next time I will write.
Day 26: Decisions (18 April 2020)
So, today is going to be a little bit different.The time is 1pm and it's 9 degrees outside, currently sitting in my back garden. I haven't read the figures from COVID-19 yet as they haven't been released for the day. But I will be reading up on them at some point today.
I came to the conclusion, that with lockdown extended for another 3 weeks - I can either spend that 3 weeks in a slump, or I could just use that time to focus on myself. So, this morning I woke up at 3am and starting watching an anime series I bought a few weeks ago. It's about 10 hours worth, I watched the first half. I had planned just to go back to bed at about 10am - but then I wanted to shower. I haven't really been looking after myself for a while so figured that's the first step for me. I thought to myself, after I shower I can go back to bed if I really wanted to. I got back into bed and thought 'what the hell am I doing?' I can't do this for my 26th day in a row. I need to break this awful routine I’ve made for myself.
Ben seems to be so sorted and I’m a little jealous. He has a lot of projects that he's working on. I spoke to him about one of them - video game creating - I spoke about something that I was working on about 5 years ago. I downloaded the software again and checked my old laptop and seen that everything was gone. I always thought I was great at keeping backups, clearly not. But, I might get back into that project at some point as I feel as if I had an awesome idea for a small video game.
I've decided to make myself a small goal of getting back into improving my foreign language skills. I never really managed to get past the first few chapters on the many books that I bought. I was also too busy or never had the energy. But now, I think it would be the most ideal time to do something like that. I have a few online friends that can help me, so I could ask them for help if I needed it.
I think it's really important to look after myself - especially during this difficult time. I also have so much to look forward to. I used to be such a positive person. I need to focus on what I'm going to do with myself after lockdown - as it is going to end eventually. I can hope that it will end in 19 days. I need to focus on the more positive side of things if I'm going to survive, I always said that I wanted to live. Even if sometimes it doesn't feel like there's much to live for - there definitely is.
I hope that this mood continues on an upward trend. There's so much I can achieve. Until next time, I will write.
Day 30: Good Days and Bad Days (22 April 2020)
This is day 30 of lockdown. As of today there has been 18,100 deaths in the UK due to COVID-19. 1,062 of those are in Scotland. Although the expected number is to be higher as that only counts the deaths from within hospitals. The worldwide death count stands at 181,000. It is 14 days until the UK is due to review lockdown measures.
Since my last entry, I've had 2 bad days and 2 good days. Sunday and Monday I was feeling quite low. Tuesday and Today (Wednesday), I've felt a little better. I felt like I should write in here because it has been a few days and I felt as if it was important.
Yesterday I was at work. There was 5 of us including Erin whom I haven’t seen since Day 3 of lockdown - the longest I haven’t seen her since we’ve been friends. Erin asked me for a hug when we were on cigarette break. At first I said it was probably best not to because of social distancing measures - but then I gave in and gave her a hug. We hadn't seen each other in about 4 weeks. We were both on the verge of tears - but we held back. After all the things that we’ve been through together, it felt so good to feel another touch of a human. I started the day feeling down and depressed - but my mood picked up pretty quickly.
It was a little heartbreaking when we got into the elevators as we had to go in ourselves as the policy is one person per elevator at a time as there's not enough space to socially distance inside. We carried boxes so unable to take the stairs. I just want this whole pandemic to end already. I hate it. I hate how every little thing is a reminder of the state of the world at the moment.
Later that day at lunch time. Ben and I both had the same thing for lunch - a cup noodle. I asked if he had remembered to bring a fork and he shook his head and smiled to him and told him I brought him one. I wonder why he always forgets, I feel as if he wants me to bring him one as I've done numerous times already. We stood in the small kitchen at work (there seems to be no forks in there, but plenty spoons, I don't know why) as we waited for the kettle to boil. We made small talk and then I spoke a little bit about my mental state and how I felt improvement. I also asked about his many projects, I am very interested in what he's doing with himself. But he seems to be quite secretive and doesn’t like talking about them too much.
There was the same people at work today as there was yesterday. I was disappointed that we had finished the work set out for us early and would be leaving around 12.
After work I got in my car realising it was about 12:30. I really didn't want to go home yet. I called Rachel to ask if she wanted to go for a walk somewhere. We decided to drive 10 minutes to the next town to walk in the park for an hour or so. This was my first walk in over 5 weeks. I had the constant fear of 'what if the police catch us?' as during lockdown it is illegal. It was so nice to get out. Although as of now I've done less than 5,000 steps. Usually my walks are much longer - but it was better than nothing. We sat on a bench for 5 minutes as I smoked and she spoke about her current relationship.
There are 14 more days until lockdown is reviewed. I hope hope hope that Scotland lifts some of the restrictions currently in place. I want to be able to sit down the park without fear of getting in trouble. Or to drive somewhere and not have to explain myself. But until then, I will still watch the daily briefings each day and watch the statistics.
I don't know when I'll next write in here; but hopefully in the next week or so!
Day 41: Moving Goal Posts (4 May 2020)
I haven’t written in my diary in a while. I can't believe how long lockdown has lasted. Just over 28,000 deaths in the UK, with just over 1,500 of that total being in Scotland.
They say we are past the peak but I'm not even sure anymore. The review on the lockdown needs to be delivered legally before Thursday (day 45), but somehow I think there's going to be another 3 weeks added to that. Which would take the total days in lockdown to 66 days. Even then, it doesn't mean to say it will be lifted then. Apparently decisions are based on the scientific advisors.
I feel as if the government keep moving the goal posts whenever I feel that I'm getting near my goal. I feel as if the lockdown measures put in place are a bit too extreme. I think there could have been many other methods to control this virus. I feel as if they are metaphorically burning the entire house down because there is a wasp indoors. Yet, when I try to voice my opinion to anyone I just get shut down - I feel as if nobody wants to listen to what I have to say. The government has even said that for most of us the virus isn't deadly - the measures are to just to protect the vulnerable and elderly. Maybe there could have been a less extreme method to protect the elderly and vulnerable and not to punish the vast majority of us.
I feel as if my selfishness is being magnified. The comments I read on the online message boards to end lockdown, people are being called selfish and we should just accept it for what it is. I feel as if both sides of the argument are in the extreme. It seems those that want lockdown to end don’t even believe the virus is real. The other people that want the lockdown measures feel it should be stricter like in some other countries and it should be extended until the end of the year. I feel so trapped. Sometimes I make myself believe that I can have a good day - and I have had quite a few good days this week. Sometimes it's like the snap of my fingers and my mood completely changes. But then some days I just don't feel as bad. I don't really know what I should be feeling, but I guess it just enhances the feelings I already had. Gives me too much time to think and nowhere to vent. I just want some routine back in my life. I feel that I need something to live for. A little bit of positivity would keep me going.
I spent my birthday in isolation. Although I did break the law and went for a short walk with Erin. It felt so nice to get out - although I walked for about 20 minutes and was exhausted. Not quite the birthday I had in mind. Also, I didn't get as many birthday wishes as previous years. I got about 15 messages including a message from Ben. That made my day that he remembered. I did feel a little forgotten.
Last week I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Although I was only down on the rota to work Tuesday. I decided to go in on the Wednesday as well and because the job wasn't done I went in on Thursday for a few hours as well.
Wednesday I asked Ben if he wanted to come in on Thursday as the job wasn’t finished and it would only require 2 people. It was just the two of us. I bought him an energy drink. The job could have been done in about half an hour but we dragged it over 3 hours. I feel that he opened up a bit to me. I found out that he's never been in a relationship. He also doesn't like to label his sexuality but would say he's bi if he's asked. Having this conversation when we were sober felt really good. I just wish things could be different between us. I asked him about his social anxiety issues - we traded some stories about ourselves. I feel like I should maybe write an entire diary entry about my social anxiety as its something I've never really thought about before; such as not going for a job interview or applying for a job because I felt too anxious.
My dad has been in hospital for 11 days now. It feels so strange not having him in the house. It's been an emotional rollercoaster on top of everything else that is going on. I really hate to say this. But I have this horrible feeling that I'm not getting to see him again. We're currently not allowed to visit as nobody is allowed inside the hospitals. He's had a feeding tube inserted through his nose because eating has become impossible. The hospital also called a few days ago to say that he slipped whilst in the shower (they need to keep us informed of any accidents). I also hate that I don't think my mum is being completely honest with my sister. I just wish my sister and my nephew were able to visit. But I don't know when I'll be able to see them again either. I just wish I could rewind the last 3 years of my life and have everything how it was before. I hate change. I find it difficult to deal with changes and writing has become my coping mechanism.
I have my entire heart set on him being released on Thursday although I know it's not going to happen. Although I felt as if I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel - that was 3 weeks ago and I fear that there's at least another 3 weeks to go. Then probably another 3 weeks. Until before we know it, the year is already over. But I am so glad I have this diary to write in. Maybe when this is all over I can reread my diary entries and it will all be a distant memory. Hopefully that future me is a happier version of myself. Until next time.
Day 46: Zero Energy (8 May 2020)
I'm not going to list how many deaths in this entry. It's too much. But, lockdown has been extended in Scotland until 28th May. That will lead up to 66 days. This is just day 46. Although the Prime Minister has an announcement to make on Sunday at 7pm regarding lockdown measures - although I don't think that will affect Scotland.
I've spent the entire day in bed. I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything. I'm depressed - But you as my diary knew that already. I think my mum is starting to finally notice. She told me today that hopefully my dad will get out of hospital on Monday. He's already been in 15 days. At first I was told that he would have to have a feeding tube in, but now we hope that he gets that removed before he gets home. I don't even know what to feel anymore. I think I’ve gone completely numb.
I basically had to beg my work group chat to see if there was any work this week. My manager said there was some stuff to do Wednesday/Thursday. So, I may have been overly keen to come in as the other guy that came in was asking about it. There was just the two of us and the manager. Somehow I got the impression that they didn't really need us in work - as the stuff we had to do was a 1 person job and would have taken 20 minutes. I felt a little desperate. But I was so glad to be there. We also began to clear out one of the store cupboards - so in total we were at work for around 3 hours. Afterwards, I drove to the next town over and through town with my music playing. I felt a little pathetic; but it was my escape. I was driving for almost 25 minutes. When I got home, I asked two of my friends, Nicola and Paul if they would meet up the next day and they agreed. They have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. Nicola is Andy’s sister who I was partnered with for 4 years.
We decided to go for a little walk in the next town over. It's about a 10-15 minute drive for the both of us as we had separate cars. I was a little nervous about being in such a big group (there was only 3 of us and their dog). But then I didn't really care anymore. I wasn't harming anyone. We went to a park that I visit quite regularly - and yet we went to a part that I haven't seen before. It felt strange yet pleasing visiting somewhere new. But I don't understand why I haven't been to that part before. It was so good to see them. When I was with Andy we would regularly do double-date things quite often together but when Andy and I broke up, we continued as the 3 of us. Sometimes I miss Andy when I’m with them and ask how he is getting on with his life. They are my only connection I have with him now.
I don't know how I've managed to cope; but somehow I have. Hopefully there will just be another 20 days to go. But as always the government keep moving the goalposts. I just want to try be myself again without feeling restrained. As I've said in nearly every entry since lockdown - I'm so thankful to find the energy to create this diary. I don't want to give up. Even when I feel as if there is no reason to live... I will find a reason. I just want to live. I just want to be as happy as I can be. Why is that so hard to ask for?
Having this diary to write in has been the only constant thing as no matter what happens during this pandemic, one thing for sure is that I will keep on writing. Until next time I'll write.
Day 47: Positivity Trend (9 May 2020)
1am on Sunday (technically day 48). Slightly more positive post today which is why I wanted to write. I decided to ask another friend, Lisa, who lives about a 5 minute walk from me if she would like to go for a walk. She agreed.
I was so happy as I don’t really see Lisa as much. Again, when I was with Andy we would usually do things together as a double-date scenario. Although I had met Lisa before I met Andy, she is a very busy person with university work so I don’t see her as often as I would like.
I wasn't as nervous about the walk as I didn't need to drive to go for my walk. We met half way and decided to go walk to the pond, which is a location a few miles from home sometimes drive to at night to chill out. We met about 3pm and I was home a little after 5pm. We didn't exactly walk for 2 hours as we sat at a play park for a while and then sat on a bench next to the pond. I felt so fresh and so positive speaking to Lisa as if things were normal. We discussed lockdown and shared our frustration over things.
Things were really starting to get to both of us. Lisa and her partner had to self-isolation before lockdown was announced because they had symptoms for COVID-19 but they were never tested. Also, that was 6 weeks ago. As we were sitting at the pond - we reflected on our memories at the pond. Due to lockdown we have to stay local. Usually we would travel a little further. Neither of us had sat on this side of the pond for a while. There is a small bridge that goes over the pond - with a bigger side of the pond at one side and the smaller part at the other. Although over the years the pond has become filled with dirty water and rubbish. It's quite sad as I remember when I first visited I was maybe 5 or so and the place was somewhere you would actually want to visit. It's strange how the lockdown changes your perspective of the things that are local.
It’s still a little heartbreaking when other people on the paths stand well away to let you pass, a painful reminder that social distancing has become law and sometimes people stand well more than 2 metres away. At one point we walked behind a mother with her young son. We heard him say something along the lines of "the guys behind us are catching up - we need to walk faster", which made my friend question how you're supposed to explain to your children about what is going on. You must have to force fear into them. As they are probably too young to understand.
I wonder how it will affect a lot of young people mentally. I know COVID-19 has affected my mental state so negatively; I hope that it doesn't cause much long lasting damage. I honestly hope that things can start getting back to normal soon. I don't just mean the 'new normal', I mean back to what things were like before if that will ever truly be the case. Maybe we will be a little more appreciative of the world we live in and respect others a little more.
I feel as if for myself personally, I've made so much progress with my life and it has been so difficult to get to where I was. Improving my mental state such as getting a new job, losing the friends that were dragging me down and generally looking after myself. I feel as if I've been forced back to square one - or even square negative if that was even possible. All the positive things I had in my life seemed so far away. The goal posts that I was aiming myself towards kept moving further and further away. I wanted to stay connected so badly, I became desperate, and I felt as if I was forced to disconnect. I've never been the type of person to enjoy chatting to people online, a reason that why I've done very little online communication with my friends. I crave human contact and face-to-face conversation. Those little things I cherished so much because they were so important to me. Maybe why the highlight of some of the last few weeks have been going to the supermarket where I used to work just to have a 5 minute conversation with one of my ex colleagues.
I read on a news article recently that there will be people wanting to read some diaries that are written throughout this global pandemic. I'm not sure if that was true or if I just dreamed it as I have had a lot more crazy dreams recently. I don't ever wish to compare myself to Anne Frank as our situations are extremely different - but when she wrote her diary in the annex, she also heard from a newspaper that they will be looking for diaries after the war was over so she started writing extra things and she went back and rewrote previous entries. I wonder what was going through her mind. I've visited the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam twice; I even bought her diary as a memento. Although I haven't plucked up the courage to read it yet. Hopefully I will make time for myself to read it.
A news article I read said this will be the worst state the economy has seen during times of peace. Also the measures that have been put in place are extreme to the extent that with the briefings on TV to give our daily updates. The terminology that is used sounds very similar to war time terminology and I think in some way, this is a war against the virus. I hope I will never have to live through another world war, I just want peace.
That’s enough for todays entry, until next time!
Day 50: A New Years Resolution (12 May 2020) 11pm on Tuesday 12th May.
Today I have made a decision to post my lockdown diary entires online. Not my entire diary, just the parts that involve my struggles with lockdown period. My reasoning is that I believe that it might be able to help someone else that always has struggles. My mental state has developed a lot over the last 50 days and now I think I'm at the stage where I am ready to share parts of my innermost thoughts.
I will be posting on my website, that I created on 1st January 2020, as a new years resolution, to post my personal writing on. This is a hobby that I sort of gave up on. But I’ve decided to attempt to get my website finished by the end of this year. A little portfolio of the things I’ve written since my early teens. I’m not doing this to make a profit or become famous, I just enjoy writing and it has been my escape from reality in the past. Now more than ever.
I always had a dream of being a recognised writer and have attempted many times in the past. I enjoy writing lots of things from short stories and poetry. I’ve also written many personal diaries in the past.
I honestly wish I could have used my 50 days more wisely; but my time was not wasted. By being honest with myself on my depression and anxiety levels, I managed to write so much more in my diary than I would have ever thought possible. Even now, reading through the things I had written just weeks ago, I can see how far I've come and how well I've developed as a person. I believe that this is the right things for me to do at this time. I've spent most of my day reading and editing my diary.
Yesterday was such a good positive day. I left my house at 3pm for another walk with Lisa. I wore my shorts and my thin hoodie. The weather was so nice. I hadn't planned where I was going to walk to, I just decided to follow a path near to my house. I hadn't been down this path since my early teens, so it was very reminiscent. So many memories that I had forgotten about - such as the big bridge that I hadn't crossed since I was even younger - memories of my grandfather. I must admit, I considered turning back and walking the same way I had come; but I kept saying to myself 'just a little further'. At one point I thought I was a little lost; I've never had a good sense of direction. My legs started to hurt a little bit so I sat on a bench in the park just thinking about how far I had walked. I had come almost walked in a big circle around my town and knew the way home. I got home a little after 5pm. almost 14,000 steps - probably the most I've walked this year!
When I got home my mum had prepared some pizza for herself and I. She is currently home working and seems like she has lots to do - but she still finishes at 4:30pm every day. After we had lunch I decided to go for a small nap. I was honestly so exhausted - but in a good way! I felt mentally revitalised. Somehow I wish I had the energy to do longer walks in the previous days of lockdown.
I woke up from my nap just after 8pm because I had to go to the supermarket to get my essentials for the week. I knew exactly what I had to get so I wasn't in there very long. But I did enjoy my weekly chat with the woman on the kiosk. I think I've spoken to her more since lockdown started than I did the whole time I worked at the supermarket.
My dad was supposed to get out of the hospital Monday morning. But the hospital called early on to say that he had a bad night and wouldn't be getting out today. He's been in there for nearly 3 weeks now. I hate how we're unable to visit him, it just makes everything more difficult and emotional. He's getting moved to the city on Wednesday because they need to operate Thursday morning. I know the operation is the best route and I'm glad they have decided to do it. But I'm worrying a lot. I had hoped that we would be able to visit, but I know that due to lockdown that is impossible.
I'm also missing my nephew and sister so much. I hope that we will be able to see each other soon. My nephew was only 4 weeks old when lockdown was imposed. I've seen photos of him and he looks a lot bigger, but it's really not the same. I know that he probably won't have the ability to remember me as his uncle, but I still remember him as my nephew. I'll see him soon! I'm not sure what else I have to write about today. I haven't done much today but I do feel like I've achieved more than in some previous days I've had. My mood is generally on an upward trend - I just hope that it continues to improve.
Day 51: Anxiety (13 May 2020)
This is day 51 of lockdown in Scotland and it's almost 9pm. Sadly another 61 deaths for Scotland and another 494 registered for the whole of the UK. Worldwide figures are almost at the 300,000 mark. If you had asked me 2 months ago, I never would have believed how catastrophic this pandemic would really be. Although I can finally see the end - or at least the beginning of the road to the 'new normal'.
I am still extremely anxious, nervous and worried about everything that is happening. But there's nothing I can do about it, I guess I need to accept I am powerless. The best we can do is to follow government advice.
At the start of lockdown - I shut myself away. I became the person that I never wanted to be again. I honestly felt as if I was dragged back 3 years of my life when I was at my most depressed stage. I also felt scared that I couldn't do the things that I would usually do in order to cope. One of my coping mechanisms involved getting out in my car and sitting somewhere listening to music. Others included face to face conversation with my friends. I've never been the kind of person that likes to chat online, text or video, and I never reached out. Instead I literally felt as if I was being locked away. My mental state deteriorated and I was dragged back from the 3 years of progress I had made.
Looking back on the 50 days that have already past, I realised I have been one of the luckier ones. Unable to work from home but still receiving full pay. Although I have worked many 'half days' in recent weeks. As members of our team have been rotated. My thoughts really do go out to those that have lost their jobs or livelihoods.
My dad has been transferred hospital. He will have his operation tomorrow. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen him. He's feeling positive about it all and for now all we can do is wait and hope. My mum has had her daily FaceTime chats with him and today I seen him for the first time although just on video. It was a shock to see all those tubes coming out of his nose but I guess the angle of the camera wasn’t his best side. I am feeling a lot more positive that I will see him again
Today I went for a short walk with Rachel. Another 2 hour walk but we ended up standing at a wall with a nice view for about an hour just watching nature. The people that I had passed on my journey all acknowledged us and we greeted each other with either a smile or a simple 'hello'. That felt good. A part of me wishes that I had gone on more regular walks at the start of lockdown. That might have helped my mental state but to be honest, I don’t think I had the energy to do that then!
I really do hope that I've made some progress with my own mental state and that I haven't caused too much damage with my social circle. I don’t know who will still be friends with me after lockdown. I’m so anxious that so much has already changed. I honestly cannot wait to see my friends again. But now I believe that it won't be long! Until next time!