Day -2: Stay Strong (21 March 2020)
Just wanted to tell you to be strong. These next few weeks/ months will be extremely challenging, but you will make it. Everything will be fine. If you become isolated, it’s important you stay connected.
After this is all over; we will all be stronger than ever! We must stay strong and be the best version of ourselves possible. Friendships will strengthen.
As Hannah Montana once said, ‘life’s a climb, but the view is great’.
Day -1: The Meaning of Life (22 March 2020)
The last few days have been extremely difficult for everyone. COVID-19. Everyone has been told to distance themselves socially. Pubs have closed. Shops have reduced opening times. People are panic buying essentials. There’s no sanitiser gel or toilet paper in any of the shops. The same goes for a lot of food items.
I know a lot of people have lost their jobs as well. I’m not sure if I’ll be losing my job yet or not. I am just temporary staff; I don’t think anyone knows what will happen to us yet. The last few days I’ve felt even more secluded than previously.
Last Thursday I drove to clear my head. Thinking what the meaning of life could be. Trying hard to find meaning in my own existence. Friday at work was pretty awful. We didn’t have much to do. There was 5 of us doing a job that could have been done by just 1 person. It took us about 15-20 minutes. Therefore, we basically had a big break all day. Quite worrying that due to this virus we won’t be able to do our job. That is why I’m afraid I may lose it.
Saturday my sister and nephew came to visit. He wasn’t happy when I was holding him and he cried a lot. I wonder if he’s able to sense how anxious I am. I know my brother-in-law can tell. But I don’t want to talk about my feelings. At night I visited Steven when he finished work at 10pm. I left around 1am. When I got home I had a beer.
Today, Sunday, I met up with Erin and we went to the park. We sat near a pond. Had a chat about the current situation. I think we’re both pretty anxious. We both posted photos to social media; I’m a little gutted that Ben liked her photo and didn’t like mine. I don’t think he likes me. That makes me feel a little sad.
I really really like Ben. Not just because I feel desperate. But because whenever I’m with him at work I just feel content. Life becomes a little more bearable. We have similar social anxiety levels, but when I’m with him all my anxieties seem to dissipate. I hope we get to work together tomorrow. I hope we can hang outside of work again too - but with just the two of us. Although with social distancing now become a government recommendation, that seems highly unlikely.
I’d also like to add. Last week I fell asleep in the backseat of the work van next to Ben. He was playing his music and I thought I had imagined a song. But the song I had imagined was so sweet. I dozed off next to him just wishing I had fallen onto his shoulder. I told him I liked the song and he played it. I can’t remember the name and it wasn’t quite what I remembered. But I may need to ask him to play ‘our song’ again.
I just wish I had a friend. Someone to share my little life with. I feel like I have so much to offer someone. Why can’t I find happiness. I know exactly what I want but how can I get it. I want someone I can play video games with, watch crap movies and anime, chill out with on the bed. Someone to explore the world with both locally and globally. Someone to share my life with; enhancing both our lives.
I’ve been thinking lately of making myself a list of places I’d like to go and the things I want to do with someone. Things that I do with my friends. But with someone more significant. Someone that will always have my back no matter how tough things get. Or even just to do what I’m doing now, sitting in my car at 8:30pm.
I don’t think I’ll be able to survive if I became fully isolated. My mental state will probably worsen. I need to have human interaction. I need to speak and have conversations. I need normality!
What makes me feel more anxious is the unknown. I don’t know what the next few days/weeks/months will bring. The world isn’t looking a very nice place at the moment. I know that things will get a lot worse in Scotland before they get better. I just hope I don’t lose any of my friends or family due to the virus. There’s already been a few deaths in my country.
But. I will try my best to continue to write as much as I can in here over the following months. If anything was to happen to me, I would like if someone read my diary with respect. I know I’m not Anne Frank and my situation is nowhere near what she had to go through. I still haven’t plucked up the courage to read her diary. I bought it from her house/museum when I visited a while back.
Until next time.
Day 0: Lockdown (23 March 2020)
Just over 2 hours ago it was announced that my country will go into lockdown. We had an idea that this may happen as other countries have done similar things to combat the coronavirus (COVID-19). Basically, you cannot leave the house unless absolutely necessary. You can only leave in order to go to the supermarket for essentials (all other places have been closed), work (but only if your work cannot be done from home), or exercise outdoors (such as running) for an hour and close to home - although you can only do this with people that live within the same household and are not able to meet up with people from other households.
I must admit that this worries me greatly. I already feel so isolated and alone. This lockdown can be enforced by the police and you can be fined for not abiding by it. I understand fully why they are doing this. We cannot let the virus spread. They will reevaluate the situation in 3 weeks time. Monday 13th April. 21 days of lockdown. I don't know what this is going to do to my mental state: but I think I should force myself to write as much as possible. I hope that the future Callum would appreciate that.
In my work group chat, we have been told not to go into work tomorrow and we will be paid. But that is guaranteed just for the one day. I'm not sure what they will do after as we are all on temporary contracts and unable to work from home. I'm unsure if our job is classed as absolutely necessary. But I’m sure there could be work for me to do by supporting those that are working from home. One of my managers asked if any of us would be able to go into work - but rules apply such as only 2 people within the same room with a clear distance between us.
This morning at work didn't feel great as we were told off by another manager for standing too close together. Some of us were sent into another room. Again, I understand why they are taking extreme measures, it just felt a little degrading. I will be writing about more of what happens in my next few posts. Future Callum will appreciate the recording of feelings.
Over the next few days I must do things that will keep me occupied. Video games. Anime. Cleaning my bedroom. Maybe start a new hobby of sorts or pick up something I haven't done in a while. It's entirely up to me how I spend these next 3 weeks. I could either mope around in misery or do something constructive. I just hope that I have the mental energy to do so. It's important more than ever to look after myself.
You can see Callum's full diaries: Callumross.co.uk.